Nothing makes sense, so I won’t think about it.
I’ll go with the ignorance.
Eat, sleep, fuck and flee:
In four words, that’s me!
I am full of indifference.”
‘The Futile’ – Say Anything
Certain words can have drastically different meanings depending on the person.
Like the word success.
What one person defines a successful person as, could be the antithesis of another’s definition.
Also, the idea one has of success isn’t fixed in one moment in time. It can and will shape-shift as the person continues to grow, mature, and gain experience in life.
So a word like success is essentially meaningless.
Talking to someone about success is like talking to someone about the color blue if in fact everyone saw something different when they saw blue.
But let’s continue with this thread of thought.
Let’s backtrack to the lowest stakes.
Before all the existential crises and poor choices we drowned out with vodka.
As a child, you just wanted to play with your friends for an indefinite amount of time…let’s say eternity? You wanted to stay up a few minutes past your bed time to watch some TV , and stay within the lines when you colored.
Color within the lines and you got a sticker. Figuring out the system as a child took the equivalent of one snack time.
That was “success”
As an adult, it’s more complicated, obviously.
Mainly because the “system” is not a set of Lego instructions anymore. It’s an all-encompassing matrix.
Your reality as an adult becomes as big or small as you want it.
I was re-watching an episode of Mad Men where Faye, a marketing employee who focuses on Psychological research, proclaims the main problem with society comes down to one thing, “what do I want versus what’s expected of me.”
What we want…what do we want?
For some, that answer becomes as fluid as one would answer, “how’s your day going?”
Not because they have their desires so fleshed out in their minds, but because saying “being on an island by myself with servants catering to my every whim” becomes as hollow as saying “Great. How’s your day going?”
The days come and go and we begin to only know what it feels like to be caged like rats.
Every “victory” we achieve at work or at home seems to add another layer of helplessness to our inner souls.
Because these aren’t victories.
We know we are all living a lie in one way or another.
But who’s to blame?
Of course, the answer is never cut and dry. We wish it was as simple as filling in the circle next to A, B, C or D.
And while we may choose to fill in one of the above answers for a temporary point of time in our lives, it never satiates us.
Because we know that’s a lie too.
Life and all its ambiguous answers come in only one color: gray
Please remember that. No one has a clue. Not even myself.
At the end of the day, you have an inner-compass which was embedded in you as a child. And no, it will not go away. So you have to dance with it.
You know the choices that you make in private that make you feel a twinge of guilt even when no one in watching.
Stay true to your inner-compass and I can guarantee you will feel more peace of mind than that 1 mg Xanex gives you.